mastreworld

Haven't been on here for a long time... I need to familiarize myself with the site again.
I've had so many disappointments with social media sites lately but I keep hoping it will turn, or that I will find a space where people aren't so toxic about pushing their ideologies on others.

Been playing and experimenting with AI art and it inspired me to take up painting again. It's not like in my twenties, where I could work uninterrupted for hours, but it's a little here and there and with new materials. (I'm using the word "work" in its loosest sense here, since creating is more of a pleasure for me.) Writing is also small bits at a time since I don't have much opportunity to focus and dream up scenarios.

Things have periodically been rough; I'm having big trouble sleeping which makes it difficult to structure my days but I'm trying, since I feel and function better when I do.  I don't have much privacy and alone time, since my disabled offspring is no longer in school and requires a lot of support, practically as well as emotionally.

I want to enjoy life again; feel enthusiastic about it, but if feels like the world is dragging me down. I still have hope though. Probably need to focus on my spirituality a bit; that usually helps.

 I'm beginning to think it's better to use this site for personal things. Tumblr is great but somewhat overwhelming and it feels like I have to tag in absurdum just to not upset people. A few days ago I was really upset but managed to write to lower the stress somewhat. Unfortunately, I wrote a poem and that couldn't be posted on my writing blog because Tumblr fucks up the formatting.

Sigh.

I'm tired of tiptoeing around people and of getting hurt (and seeing others get hurt, for that matter). I'm tired of people. They inevitably fuck up my life when I let them into it. I get that where a social species but I really do better solitary; I don't even feel the way other humans do. I don't have that "need" of others that you're supposed to have; I don't even know what that means. I can enjoy the company of others under the right circumstances but there is no "need" as such. I'm not interested in that traditional relationship that others seem to covet so badly. I never was. I just wanted the freedom to live on my own and do what I want.

My spirituality tells me that I have the right to do so, that I'm here for my own sake, not for others. Yet I find myself shrinking my expression to not step on others' toes because that's what you're supposed to do, right? Be "considerate" and "polite" rather than just kind and caring. I'm sick of it.

If I write my more personal or "sensitive" thoughts here where fewer people can see them, maybe I don't need to censor myself so much. I want to find the freedom back to just spontaneously express myself and if the choice is between that and being seen by more people, then so be it.

It does require me learning how to properly use this site's features, of course, but I guess I'll figure it out over time. I've learned so many other things; I can learn this too.

I think of nature as inherently chaotic; random things happening that sometimes falls into a pattern that makes sense and behold, you have a survival-worthy species or whatever.

I was just revisiting the thought of reincarnation, which I’m agnostic about, and maybe it works the same way. Maybe it isn’t as organized as I used to think about it, that we make conscious decisions to be born in that body, that family, that environment etc. Maybe we’re just instinctively drawn to a body that happens to be available and appealing to us in one way or another.

Food for thought.